H-E-L-L-O! Anyone still there???

•March 18, 2013 • 2 Comments

I have taken quite a blogging hiatus, as did a lot of my friends. A lot has changed and I feel like it’s passing me by; leaving a very sketchy and fuzzy memory behind.

I’m back! I want to remember things. I want to learn from my past and not repeat history. How can I do this if I can’t remember it all? So – here it is….

Currently, I’m 35 years old. Married to an amazing 36 year old Corey Wilson. MARRIED?!?! I still can’t believe it and I’m still not used to being a Wilson. It doesn’t exactly fit – just yet. It will take awhile to adjust to a new name after 33 years of being a BROCK. Something I often thought I would be for life. So many prayers and tears worrying that I would never find “the right man”. Wondering if God had made me to be a party of 1. Terrifying. I find the insecurity sneaking in every once in awhile. I catch myself thinking, “What if you don’t find THE ONE”? Then I quickly remind myself – I didn’t find the one. God SENT me THE ONE. Patiently waiting – I was not. I frequented God’s ears with pleas of finding this man – OFTEN. Probably more often than I should have. After age 30 – it was a constant plea. If I’d only known….he was here all along – waiting for God to send me to him. The next town over…having many of the same fears. We talk often of how weird it is that we were SO CLOSE to each other our whole lives – yet, never even remember laying eyes on each other. I was with friends one night and we set the field next door to his house on fire with fireworks – never knew how close I was. We laugh, but I know. I know that I was not the woman I was supposed to be for him and he was not the man he was supposed to be for me. God knew.

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The love of my life is a farmer. A great farmer. Never thought I would have married a farmer, but I couldn’t be prouder. He was born to do it and it comes eerily easy to him. We are in the process of trying to purchase a farm that will facilitate him to persue his dream of full time farming and a home for us to raise a family. This is much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

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God has us in a learning pattern. You know those times when it is VERY clear God is teaching you something? Something deep – internal – long lasting. Creating character in you? He is creating character in US – as a couple – and it is tough! Man – I’ve always heard marriage is work. I didn’t truly understand that, until now. We’re handling it and I truly feel as though God is changing us – character building!

Right now – this very minute – we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime and all we can do is wait and pray. I’m panicked – we don’t have a lot of time. We’ve been at this a solid year and honestly we are as close as we ever believed we would get to purchasing this property of our dreams. We needed an answer – LAST WEEK!! Oh dear – now what. How can we just sit here? There isn’t another option, that we haven’t already thought of, left. But, that’s where we are….praying and waiting. Excrutiating.

Then again – it’s put into perspective. We aren’t waiting to hear whether we have a death sentence from a terminal illiness. We aren’t frantically searching for a job or source of income. We aren’t worrying where our next meal is coming from. PERSPECTIVE all up in your face! Dang – that stings!

Sequestration has taken over my professional life. I feel like that’s all I do!! No decision is made without sequestration consideration. How did our country get here? I’m sick….I’m silenced. I can’t talk about it. Believe me – I COULD talk about it, but I’m not supposed to. So, I internalize as I do most things. Then I explode and my poor husband is left to pick up the pieces of me laying all over the house. This too is something we are learning together. Bend and mold – being better. Not just doing it b/c “that’s who I am” or “that’s the way I’ve always handled it”. It’s not just he and I, now – we are WE. We must become who WE are together. Growing pains at its best, but I wouldn’t pick any other person to grow with.

I’m not going to catch up on 5 years of thoughts in this one post. I just wanted to declare – I”M BACK! 🙂

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